Many of us as Christians have directive to forgive — forgive those who trespass against us; to forgive is divine; love your enemies; turn the other cheek — but not training in how to forgive. We are frustrated and puzzled by how hard it is to let go of our hurt, especially when we have seen little or no remorse on the part of an offender. Unable to forgive, we might then ask, “are we being bad Christians?”
This is a book written by a Jewish psychologist who relied on a rabbi and a Protestant minister for guidance and encouragement while also basing her work on her own experience with thousands of patients over many years. In the course of developing her ideas, she both borrows from and challenges traditional thinking about forgiveness as found in the Bible, other scripture, behavioural science, self-help literature and popular culture. Her methods of discovery clearly mark her as a liberal thinker. Her suggestions are technically sound and spiritually encouraging.
Spring's book recognizes four different approaches to forgiveness: Cheap Forgiveness, Refusing to Forgive, Acceptance, and Genuine Forgiveness. The first two are dysfunctional, the latter two are adaptive.
Cheap Forgiveness is premature, superficial, and undeserved. In the face of your fear of or neediness for the offender you are willing to sacrifice yourself to preserve the relationship. Refusing to Forgive is a reactive, rigid and compulsive response that cuts you off from life and leaves you stewing in your own juices. It is used when you wish to punish the offender and see forgiveness as a weakness.
Acceptance as a means of forgiveness is a conceptual gift to the field of forgiveness study, which was discovered by Spring from her extensive practice experience. She writes: “Acceptance is a gutsy, life-affirming response to violations when the person who hurt you is unavailable or unrepentant. It is based on a personal decision to take control of your pain, make sense of your injury, and carve out a relationship with the offender that works for you.” As you go about taking the task of healing into your own hands, you empower yourself and make peace with the past. When a tormented youth shot and killed his son at Taber High School in Alberta, Rev. Dale Lang's generous act of forgiveness was widely publicized. I believe that his forgiveness was an example of acceptance as a means of forgiveness.
Genuine Forgiveness is essentially interpersonal and requires the heartfelt dedication of both the offender and the offended to the process of healing the relationship. “It is a shared venture, an exchange between two people bound together by an interpersonal violation.”
Genuine Forgiveness is conditional upon a price that must be paid by the offender and an agreement by the hurt party to allow the debt to be settled.
And, lastly, it requires a transfer of vigilance from the hurt person to the offender. The offender must be fully conscious of the offense, learn to be more mindfully preoccupied with it and intend never to repeat it again. The hurt party must work toward becoming less preoccupied and begin to let go.
