Amy MacLachlan’s article on Planning for Marriage (February) provides much grist for the marriage mill into which wedding planners have become the latest cost addition for couples aiming at the dream of a perfect wedding day. Life, dating, Internet dating, cohabitation, marital conflict, divorce, family conflicts and the lack of pre-marriage counselling and marriage enrichment programs pose challenges for couples, congregations, national church offices and society alike.
The question of training in marital counselling at church colleges and developing resources for marriage enrichment is a good one. I agree with my colleague John C. Henderson (Newmarket) that marriage preparation courses should cover the ABCs: Attitude, Behaviour and Communication, but as Dorothy Henderson points out, as a small denomination we can't do everything.
I developed and ran marriage preparation weekends for all couples getting married at Glenview, Toronto, for four years. Where smaller churches can't afford multiple staff, perhaps offering citywide marriage-preparation courses at a central location is one idea. Many Roman Catholic churches require attendance at pre-marriage courses. My model teaches couples communication and gets them to practice it, along with learning conflict resolution and healthy relationship behaviours through exercises, movie clips and mini-talks. Many churches used the Learning To Live Together series by Ed Bader, but the videos are from the '60s.
Pastoral counselling programs at seminaries grew out of the belief that an untrained and unskilled counsellor can be a dangerous thing. Yet not every church can afford to have a trained marriage counsellor on staff, even half time, to provide free counselling to individuals, couples and families who can't afford or access other services, or who want a faith-sensitive approach. Should seminaries train clergy in just pre-marriage and basic grief counselling skills? It takes a second Masters and a two-year clinical internship and many hours beyond that to become a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist.
It's just not practical to turn all ministers into therapists, yet clergy need basic skills to assess and refer couples.
To create vital, healthy, growing congregations, experiencing relationships that grow in and practice the presence of God, pastoral care must involve more than just marriage counselling. It's about how we in the church nurture and support faith and relationship development throughout the family life cycle — from childhood, youth ministries, leaving home, finding your soulmate, building a family (and a couple without kids can be a family), parenting and preparing for retirement and dynamic old age. Pastoral care journals have tended to follow the mental health-counselling framework, but churches are complex organizations that require understanding congregational systems. We are called to live in a covenant community, in relationship with one another: to listen, to be a companion, to love, to serve, to be oneself (God's creature). Boards, programs, group life, lay-ministry recruitment and training, administration, community environment and people all inter-relate in a unique system that forms every congregation. Church growth, congregational systems management and pastoral care across the life cycle all inter-relate in strengthening congregations.
I've long been an advocate of setting up a national data base of programs and resources from Presbyterian clergy all across Canada. I believe there are clergy out there with great resources in church growth, marriage preparation, congregational management, strategic planning etc., that all could tap into, if we only knew.
