My church offered no support groups for the separated or divorced. My friends were all married. When your marriage breaks up there is an aloneness that you feel — it’s as if part of your life has been torn away from you. It is unnatural and surreal. So how do you get on with life as you ride this emotional roller coaster of sadness and sorrow? You don’t. You just go through it the best way you can and find help wherever you can.
I hated the uncertainty and at times I was afraid of my own future. I missed the familiar, the Christmas and Easter and birthdays with my in-laws. After 15 years there are many times when I long to be with them to celebrate those occasions. There is nothing you can do about it.
In fact there is nothing you can do about a lot of things, as you will discover. There are support issues, and court orders. There are weekend visitations and week-long vacations when your kids are not with you, their empty beds and empty rooms a constant reminder. In your mind you know it is right and good for them to be with their dad. In fact I would advocate that children maintain a strong and healthy relationship with both parents. But at times your heart feels differently.
Many who have gone through this say that they believe death would be easier to deal with. At least there is a burial and closure. With divorce it is a neverending story that changes who you are forever and brings with it a redefinition of your family.
As I look back on this experience today, I remember worrying a lot back then. What would my boys do without a dad at home? How would I manage as a single mom? How would I fit in with my married friends? What would my church family think of me?
The answers do come — and some were more surprising than others. My boys have been blessed with a dad and a step-dad who love them. They also enjoy a large extended family including five new siblings born to their dad and his new wife and stepbrothers and stepsisters associated with my husband’s family.
How did I manage as a single mom? Help came in so many ways. I will never forget the help from the food bank, my cousin who brought me groceries. I will never forget the friends who included me at Christmas and New Year’s when I was alone and the friends and family who babysat for free so that I could attend the support group for single parents. Through that group I was able to meet new friends. How my friendship circle has grown! Today, we still work at getting together each time I travel to Ontario. We are forever bonded by what we went through.
What did my church family think of me? For most of us, church and divorce is the greatest issue to deal with. My church family loved me no matter what. But to be honest, I still struggle, even today, to admit openly and without hesitation that I am divorced. As one of our support group participants said, “It is like you are walking around with a big ‘D’ on your forehead. It is like everyone in the church is looking at you.”
So what can I do, how can I make a change for the better as an ordained minister of the church? In 2004, I shared my passion with our church’s mission and outreach committee.
My passion was to begin a support group and program that would help others deal with the pain and the loss of divorce. To help others find peace with God, with themselves and within the church.
