I've done this before, so you'd think it would be easier this time around.
But it's not.
In June 1996, I chose to take early retirement from teaching after 25 years in a classroom, after a lifetime of teaching many private students the joys of singing, playing the piano and strumming a guitar, after all the fun of being a drama teacher, a vocal specialist and a music consultant.
So I had been down this road before. Or so I thought. But I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. You see, unlike the many who are leaving active ministry this year, that is, leaving behind the extraordinary experience of having had a church of my own, I have served as the one-and-only minister in one church, for less than four years. And I'm finding out that it's very difficult to let go. I still haven't handed in the keys to what used to be my church.
If I am having a rough time, what must it be like to be someone who is retiring after having served in not one, but many churches, all through a lifetime? Such a person might not have a home to live in, having lived in a manse for many years, and so find that leaving active ministry means leaving a home, a community, a lifestyle and many friends, as well as adjusting to a lower income level.
All I can say is that I did not expect to find tears in my eyes whenever I drove past a church, much less thought about going into a sanctuary, but that is what has been happening.
The first few weeks after I retired last year, I really found it very difficult to sit in the pew, any pew, no matter how welcoming the people in that place.
And this did not happen to me when I retired from teaching. I did have difficulty handing in the keys to my classroom, but driving past a school did not make me weep.
But here's what happens now: On a Sunday morning I wake up wanting very much to worship the Lord. Then I go through all the usual rituals of any other Sunday morning, all the while looking forward to a time apart in prayer, anticipating hearing uplifting music, expecting to enjoy worship with like-minded believers, maybe meeting new people who will welcome me into the fold, and, certainly not expecting to feel, well I might as well tell the truth … absolutely miserable … and feeling that way every time, every Sunday, everywhere I go. Why? I knew I was missing my congregation; of course I expected that to happen. I will always cherish the experiences that I shared with those loving, gracious and faithful people. But there was something more going on.
Why have I been feeling so miserable? It's not as though I had been booted out of my church; no one asked me to go. I truly thought the time was right to leave. It was my bright idea to leave at this time, in fact.
I have had to learn the meaning of my pain. By taking the time to think this through, to go inside my pain, I have discovered I feel that I have abandoned God.
Yes, I feel I have abandoned God. It makes sense when you recall the vows I made at my ordination and the words I spoke at my induction, the promises which I made to God and to my congregation.
So how do I overcome this dark feeling?
I need to wait on the Lord and seek His desires for my life. And hand in the keys to His house.
