How can I help make a change for the better as an ordained minister of the church? How can my past experience help others find peace with God, with themselves and within their church family? How can I help others on their journey?
I would have never imagined that my divorce would end up a gift in my life and in my work as a minister. From personal experience I will say without hesitation that divorce is tough. It is hard for the parents, for the children, for extended family and for the church.
So the question for me has become, How can we help? How can we, the church, respond to this growing need for pastoral care in our churches and in our communities?
First we must begin to educate ourselves. We must listen carefully to the stories and hear the pain. Those who have been through this will tell you that lawyers can help, counsellors can help, friends can help — but that is not enough. They need to find peace with God and with their church. They need to know they are not the only ones.
Those who have been divorced often feel alienated by the church. Nobody wants to talk about it. It is just a lot easier to go to worship on Sunday for an hour and then go home. But the fact is, divorce does impact our church family. It does affect the elder who is caring for the family. It does affect the children in church school and most importantly it raises faith questions. These are some that I have heard:
Why me? When I got married, wasn’t it forever? Am I being punished? Will God judge me if I remarry? Have I let God down? Will they hire me if they find out I’m divorced? That was a big one for me.
And there are more stories. There are clergy families that have been broken — spouses are left with no support and feeling abandoned by the church. Clergy who find themselves in the midst of divorce often feel alienated by their peers.
For the church to help and to rebuild, it must listen. The church must provide a safe environment where people can talk and share their pain. Those who are going through divorce will tell you that the greatest comfort is being able to talk about it openly and honestly with others who have gone through it.
Can we provide that forum in the church? Should we? My answer, of course, is “yes.” l Corinthians 13:26 reminds us, “If one part suffers, every part suffers with it. If one part is honoured, every part rejoices with it.” I would suggest that we are already good at rejoicing.
Remember, divorce has no socio-economic barriers, no gender bias, no race or religious preference. It can happen in your family. It can happen to one of your children.
My hopes and dreams as a minister are to continue to hold the pastoral needs of those who are separated and divorced as a high priority in my work. Alongside of this work I am also actively pursuing ways that we as a church can provide good pastoral care and preparation to couples before they get married.
I don’t propose or even suggest that I have all the answers. But what I do have is first-hand experience and knowledge. And when I see shock in church families because John and Joan separated and hear comments like “they were the pillars of the church,” “he was an elder,” “she was active in the Atlantic Mission Society,” “how could it happen to them,” I know we have a way to go.
Divorce does happen in the church. We must respond with God’s love and care.
