July 8th was my 30th wedding anniversary. On reflection, there are a lot of joys and laughter shared, sorrows endured and lessons learned. Three important lessons I've learned about a successful relationship in our marriage were all found in the Bible; but the experience of life makes the text come alive in a new way when life experience says, "That is so true!"
For example, Jesus tells us in Matthew 7:1-2, "Judge not that you be not judged. For with what judgement you judge you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you." I have found being gracious encourages grace, being forgiving begets forgiveness and being helpful gets help in return. None of this happens out of mere duty; it is something that grows as love grows and the choices to serve are made daily.
The second lesson I learned is, don't minimize your own faults and need to change. The Bible tells us to take the log out of our own eye before we take the speck out of our neighbour's eye. Someone once speculated that probably in this Bible scenario the faults may have been the same size but because the perspective was so up-close in the eye of the beholder it would look like a log. It points to the truth: it is easier to see other people's faults than to deal with our own, which seem much more challenging even though they may not be different than the ones others are facing. By minding our own business first – the business of living a holy life – we don't develop a critical spirit about others. It doesn't mean we don't notice the fault in others, like our spouse, but it means we are aware that there is no place for self-righteousness because we all have sinned and fall short of God's glory. It is best to be sure you are walking in the light before you try to
"fix" your partner. I suspect you may never get to the fixing your partner part!
The third thing I had to learn (and many minister types do) is that your spouse is not merely an extension of you but a person God has created with his or her own gifts and calling to live out His purpose in life. Marriage makes us one but that one is the mysterious and glorious creation of God in whom we become one. It is not one person lording it over another. I say this not because I want to get out of my responsibility of giving leadership if that is what God mandates but as Paul points out we are to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. There is an intrinsic servanthood involved in Christian marriage because both spouses are servants of the Lord and the Lord gives both tasks and both are ultimately accountable to Him.
Even in Old Testament times, when we look in Proverbs 31 to see the model of the perfect wife, we see that in that household it seems she has taken the lead. Her husband is praised and becomes a city councillor because everyone thinks his choice of a wife makes him smart. I value my wife Phyllis for all that God has made her – unique and gifted – and maybe people think I'm a little smart because 30 years ago I picked her and we are still growing and discovering the fullness of life together. I at least think it was pretty smart.
Our church teaches that Christian marriage is a union in Christ whereby a man and a woman become one in the sight of God. It is the commitment of two people to love and to support one another faithfully for life (Living Faith). It is a great way to live.
