I don’t read a lot of parenting books, or self-help books of any kind, really. I find them pedantic and dull, and usually flaky, too. Most of my life advice not received from people I actually know, I get from novels.
There’s a lot to be said for the benefits of fiction. Not only does it entertain—though it should do that, at the very least—it also educates the reader. The best novels, those that live with you long after you have finished the last page, teach you something new. I often miss characters and places after a novel is put back on the shelf. I wonder about the decisions individuals made, about the deeper reasons and resonances in their actions. Lasting stories like these educate the imagination, morally and spiritually. Living alongside another, considering the world from another’s perspective, I find my own perspective deepened. I know more about the world, and often about my own reactions to it, when I spend time immersed in fiction.
But every library needs a reference section, and so too with my bookshelf. I have recently been considering a couple of self-help books that have worked for me like reference books. These two books have helped me in the act of living well in relation with others—an act that requires as much imagination as any fiction.
For Heaven’s Sake! Parenting Preschoolers Faithfull
Marilyn Sharpe
Quill House Publishers, 2010
I am not a fan of exclamation marks, particularly in titles. But cheesy title aside, this is a useful volume. Marilyn Sharpe works as a parent educator, teaching and supporting families in her own congregation and in other faith communities. This book is a summary of her work, and a word of encouragement to parents trying to explore and express their faith with their own families. Her basic assumption is that “parenting is inherently a profound and transforming spiritual journey for both parent and child.” As parents love their children, they can teach their children about divine love through word and example. And, as parents spend devoted time with their children, they personally experience the complexities of God’s forgiving love. She emphasizes that children are a gift from God, and that teaching them about faith is a life-long process of recognizing God everywhere.
Sharpe simply and convincingly describes family life and highlights opportunities for parents intentionally to model their faith with their children. Each chapter concludes with a “family activities” section, where Sharpe provides practical suggestions for everything from establishing family rituals that echo the church year to dealing with fear in real and compassionate ways. I think that these ideas would be useful for anyone working in families ministry—great additions to newsletters or resource notes for families.
This book isn’t a challenging read, nor a demanding one. It does offer a solid, caring voice, telling us the truth about parenting, and asking us parents to consider all of our actions in the light of our children’s faith formations. I like how Sharpe directly addresses me as I read: she draws my attention to my own family life. She says please. She reminds me that my family is a gift and that, as my children grow in faith, I too will come to know God in new and changing ways.
This is a creative reminder that faith is experienced and “caught” rather than “taught.”
As for Me and My House
Walter Wangerin, Jr.
Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1990
This is the book I recommend, lend, and even give when I hear that a friend is engaged to be married. And while not a parenting book, it is a book that has helped me in my parenting as it has helped me gain perspective in nurturing my marriage, and that, I believe, has been a gift to my kids.
Wangerin’s book is a realistic guide and an individual account of marriage. He writes that he intends the book to be both practical and personal: “as though I were your pastor and we sat discussing holy, intimate necessities over a cup of coffee. I’ll seek to find you and define your marital experience by offering myself, my knowledge, my faith and my own experience.” And he succeeds wonderfully well, and to our benefit. He opens the stories of his own marriage to the reader—writing to challenge the best of the novels I hold dear—underpinning the whole narrative with a meditation on the necessity and practicalities of the gift of Christian forgiveness. This is a gift. By being so specifically personal, he inspires deep personal consideration in his readers. It is a compelling and convicting read. And Wangerin doesn’t shy away from anything. Sex, loneliness, work, adultery, abuse. Everything is brought to the table and discussed honestly. Human imperfection is looked in the eye, and then we are reminded again of God’s profound and loving grace and the ways God calls us back into relationship and love.
The edition I have has a study guide at the back, with some useful questions, as well as group study suggestions. I haven’t undertaken this kind of study formally, but this morning, as we shared breakfast with friends, this book came up. We didn’t agree on everything in the book—and I don’t agree with all of the advice Wangerin offers either—but we did agree that the most interesting, and possibly helpful, piece of advice in the book is the idea that your marriage is a separate entity—something that both husband and wife must cherish and honour. By looking at marriage in this way, you can step back from offense and selfishness, and you can instead nurture and enjoy this gift.
This is a cover-to-cover read that can deepen anyone’s perceptions of the on-going work of married life.
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Please add your own recommendations for helpful books below in the comments section. What books have been useful to you?
