February 23, 2007
We feel that although radiation has some benefits, the trips down to Edmonton and back are just costing us too much health-wise. Perhaps medication is the best alternative. That will certainly change our lifestyle as I will take over the driving. It is obvious to both of us that things are not going to get better … there are new cancer spots every week.
There is a lot of weeping and anxiety but also moments of sweet beauty as we recognize how much we love each other … after 53 years we still care so deeply. This makes things easier but harder too. Hopefully we will do a lot of living together yet.
We had a bit of a scare yesterday as Harry was dizzy and seeing double. Our doctor wasn’t too concerned and changed his meds. I seldom take an aspirin and find all this heavy medication frightening.
Harry insisted I go to choir recently. I hate leaving him alone but have given up Monday night Bible study so it will just be for two hours once a week. I have moved the Alpha program I am doing to the house and will continue it here as long as Harry is well enough.
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March 15, 2007
Harry’s 74th birthday. We had a big family supper and Lyn was up from Edmonton. We bought him a Tilly hat. He’d always wanted one. His weight is dropping and he has no appetite.
Grandson Mike is up with his special girl Kim. He later confesses to me that he has bought her a ring (and that I am the first one to know). I am so touched by this simple gesture of love. So well I remember the four-year-old little boy who waved goodbye to me after a visit and asked his Mom “now who will be my friend?” Harry spends time talking about “life” with the two of them. He had never done this with his girls but somehow he feels he must share this now with this oh so special young man and his soon to be fiancée.
We have discussed chemo. The doctor has not given us much hope that it will help but we decide to give it a try. There is more acceptance each day that this cancer is terminal, but perhaps the chemo could give us some more time together.
We are sharing and discussing our daily meditations. Harry particularly likes the Psalms and I read him a paraphrased edition.
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April 1, 2007
Palm Sunday. Harry has had a bad morning so I run off to church alone. The hymn Precious Lord destroys my fortitude and I cry all through the last verse.
Harry is down to 150 pounds and my heart will break if he goes below that. He is grey and thin with hollows in his cheeks. Sometimes I get weary knowing I am fighting a battle I cannot win. Everything is focused on his cancer and I feel my world is very small. But God has sent sunshine today with soft cotton-ball clouds and serene blue skies to lift my spirits and proclaim His presence. I am not alone. Thanks be to God.
Got some flowers from R. & J. at the church. They are not close friends and I am really touched by this act of compassion.
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April 6, 2007
Harry has had his first chemo … five hours of it. He was okay that first day then absolutely exhausted the next.
I am in the living room a few days later and hear him crying in the bedroom. He is sitting on the edge of the bed. “Look, look,” he says, “I can move my legs without pain.” I sit beside him crying also and thank God for this tiny miracle. It must be all the prayers that are helping. The church has been wonderful … cards, food and phone calls.
Robin and John came and “babysat” while I ran out for groceries. Easter is just around the corner … new beginnings … for Harry too, I pray.
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April 9, 2007
Harry very poorly. He is on pain meds continually and seems disorientated. He is ashen. His weight is dropping and so is mine. I finally realized I cannot bear every pain for him. I am making myself ill and will not be able to care for him. For four months I have winced every time he said “ouch.” Compassion does not mean destroying yourself too. But oh how I hate to see him looking absolutely waxen with bruised eyes.
He’s having a bit of memory loss but the doctor says it’s just the meds.
Right now there is so much to monitor … his food intake, meds, bowels, fatigue, anxiety and sleep patterns. Our fridge door is covered with information. I play the role of nurse and pharmacist.
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April 27, 2007
I’m still leading the Alpha program here at the house. It is such a wonderful opportunity to share my faith and learn from others. It helps me remember there is another world out there. But I have moments of angst, feel overwhelmed and my anxiety level often hits a 10.
There are so many wonderful people that drop in and visit … it is strange but often the ones you expect do not show up and those that do visit are ones that truly surprise you with their compassion.
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May 2, 2007
It was a very bad day yesterday. Harry was confused and refused to eat. I was frustrated, crying and feeling defeated.
Today is better. The health nurse was here and solved a few problems. The cancer clinic suggested Harry try some nausea pills before he eats to see if that helps.
We had to cut his meds back a little as he was seeing pictures on the wall that weren’t there.
We prayed together yesterday. We had almost lost all hope and then decided that we would leave all in God’s hands and continue to ask for guidance and wisdom. He’ll direct us.
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May 5, 2007
Harry’s best day for ages! He seemed brighter and actually greeted the Alpha group at the door when they came in.
Saturday he was up and dressed ready for coffee and even asked me to get him some toast as he was hungry. He ate some hearty soup for lunch and had more again for supper, plus a bowl of pudding. I was elated!
Funny, I can’t sleep when I am sad, nor when I am happy, so at 1:00 a.m. I decided to get up. The sky outside was clear, star-lit and breathtaking … so filled with the reminder of God’s presence. We will carry on and trust in the Lord.
