August 12, 2007
We try to go to church but Harry and I realize that this will be the last time. We barely make it back to the car. The handwriting is on the wall.
August 30, 2007
Lots of changes. Harry is on full time oxygen. He was so dizzy and obviously wasn’t breathing well. He is on so much pain medication and often I am up in the middle of the night helping him get down another pill. He has had a blood transfusion but even that is not picking him up.
He has talked to our girls about his death today while I was at the doctors. I didn’t ask what they had shared. Those words are for their ears only.
Harry is so weak. He was able to partly dress himself and sit at the table. He has told the doctor he would try more chemo if she can find something for him. He is so brave and I know he doesn’t want to leave me. Oh God, my heart is breaking.
September 1, 2007
I have made arrangements to have some help come in twice a week if we need it. Harry’s feet are icy and a bit sore. He doesn’t want to eat and they have taken him off all his vitamins, etc.
We have talked about funerals and about going to palliative care at the end. He does not want to die at home. Our own Dr. P. is so understanding and said he will come to the house if needed. He has looked after us for so many years.
Everyone is kind … so many hugs but I feel numb and spaced out.
September 2, 2007
My life has been put on hold, and everything revolves around Harry. It is so important that I be here every minute for him. Today I think he may have had a T.I.A. (a mini stroke). He got out of bed at 3:00 a.m. and couldn’t communicate properly. It passed but it is good to know my Lyn will soon be here with me and I will not have to handle things alone.
Harry can hardly walk, and I push him around on the seat of his walker. My heart is so heavy and I feel like there is a dense fog around me. But God’s earthly angels are a comfort. My church family are wonderful.
September 4, 2007
I am sitting here alone. Lyn is in bed. Harry nearly fell tonight and I could barely get him up. I am not sure what to do next and feel really inadequate. My sister Mary is flying in with her daughter. She has a deep faith and I know God has sent her to me at this very difficult time. Harry is even concerned that I may collapse. I have lost so much weight.
He says, “It’s a bad day” and I take his hand and look into the deep blue eyes I love so much and say, “No sweetheart, it is a good day, because you are still here with me.”
Cousin Carlene was over for a visit. They share so many memories and Harry and her had some laughter over incidences in the past. She is a bright ray of sunshine in these dark days.
September 5, 2007
We had to take Harry to the hospital this morning. He was very ill and couldn’t breathe. We called home care and they were so understanding. Our nurse insisted that an ambulance be called so they took him away. I will never forget his look as I leaned over the bed, saying nothing in words but everything I felt about him, in my eyes. He knew we would never share that bed again.
But, he rallied even in emergency … A pretty nurse popped by and asked him if he was the man with shingles. “No,” he replied, “Too bad for I have fallen in love with you already.” He had such a gift of making everyone laugh and feel special.
I know he hurts every time he moves but I also know I can no longer help him at home. That is hard to accept and I don’t give in easily. Sometime God asks almost the impossible.
I hated coming home without him but he is resting in his new room and the staff is caring. Last night I cried in his arms and he held me and comforted me. He must have known it would be his last night at home. Those memories will carry me through the next while.
September 9, 2007
I am at the hospital by 8:00 a.m. Later I slip out the door for a minute and find two old friends, waiting to hear any word. We put our arms around each other and there in the hallway we pray for Harry. God is very present.
Robin has been in denial that her Dad is going to die … soon. She cries out when she sees him, finally accepting that his time here is nearly up. Linda and granddaughter Andrea (Harry’s little pork chop, as he fondly called her) say their goodbyes and leave with tears streaming down their faces.
Sister Carla arrives and offers to sit with Harry if I want to take a break but something inside me says “NO,NO” don’t go.
Suddenly, Harry is fussing and I call the nurse. I ask him if he is in any pain and he assures me “No pain, no pain whatsoever.” The nurse advises that he is going to go very quickly but can still hear me.
I lean over the face I have kissed so many times and whisper “Thank you sweetheart for all those wonderful years we had together, thank you for our two little girls, now go to the Lord, I will be okay and will be with you sometime soon” and I kiss his warm cheek until it grows cold.
My tears are tears of relief and of joy … God has taken him so gently. Like a soft breeze he has left the room and there is no sense of loss only of love … our love and God’s enduring love.
So that is our story … Our travels on this earth had been to so many places but this destination was the ultimate one. Harry has reached his journeys end.
“I go to prepare a place for you, that where I am, you shall be also.“ John 14:2
