The racking sobs stopped and insidiously guilt showed its nasty head. There were so many things I should have done. So many things I shouldn’t have done. How could I ever forgive myself?
The last six months’ caregiving were difficult and I was exhausted. I had tried but I was not always as patient as I should have been. Those moments haunted me, as did some memories of the past … they clouded the good memories.
Then one day I was reading a novel and the words “life-choking guilt” leaped out at me. For that is exactly what was happening. I could live with the grief but guilt was choking the life out of me … the life I had been left to live.
I think it is probably the one thing that most disturbs the person left behind. The torrent of tears lessens, the heartache eases, but somehow we feel guilty if we don’t feel guilty about almost forgotten errors. It is time to drag out the serenity prayer.
I had always associated it with A.A. and its twelve-step program but it speaks to everyone who realizes that there are some changes in life they can make, but they can’t go back and fix some things from the past. The wisdom of knowing the difference is God-given wisdom.
Letting go of your grief is a long process but letting go of your guilt can be a freeing and refreshing action. God forgives, now forgive yourself. Today has enough mistakes built into it … you don’t need yesterday’s added to it.
Instead of the water glass being half empty, let it be half full … yes, the loved one is gone and life is empty, but there is still family, friends, faith and a promise of the God’s plan for the rest of your days.
It is difficult to adjust to all the changes but there is life out there … live it.!
