There are a few words that come to mind when I think about how I feel as a new graduate entering into ministry. I assume many would like to hear that I am excited, can’t wait to get my hands dirty, or that I am eager to get my feet wet. And certainly these feelings are in me somewhere. But there are also other words that come to mind, among them: fear and trembling.
Fear and trembling for the mistakes I will make, the opportunities I will miss or the wrong things I will say. What if I say the wrong name during a wedding, and I ask Mary if she would like to take Bill as her husband, instead of John? Or, if I offer to drink the bread and eat the cup?
But, it also runs a bit deeper. Like thousands of Canadians, each morning I wake up and turn on my computer (or other communicator of choice) to catch the morning news. And after reading only a few headlines, I am ready and willing to agree with Eugene Peterson (Working the Angles: The Shape of Pastoral Integrity) when he writes, “The sheer quantity of wreckage around us is appalling: wrecked bodies, wrecked marriages, wrecked careers …” And his list goes on, to which I would add: wrecked cities, wrecked countries and a distressed and groaning creation.
The church is in exile, Walter Brueggeman writes in Cadences of Home: Preaching Among Exiles, having lost its sense of identity and purpose, overwhelmed by an anxious and wrecked world. And somehow as an ordained minister, I will make a feeble attempt to administer the Word and Sacraments in its midst. Maybe I will never get the hang of it, but maybe ministry is not a mystery to be solved, or puzzle to be mastered.
Maybe fear and trembling is not a bad thing. Paul calls the Philippians to work out their salvation with fear and trembling. (Philippians 2:12) And why? Because it is God who is really at work. And in this I can be confident. Also in fear and trembling, prayer is often a first response. It is at the point when we realize that we don’t have all the answers, that we can’t do it on our own, and that we find confidence in the love of God, the grace of Christ and the fellowship of the Spirit. It is in prayer that I come face to face with the reality that it is in Christ that my ministry begins. And in Christ there is hope.
That is what I am most excited about: That I have been called to proclaim the hope of the gospel. That despite the chaos, the pain and anxiety around us, there will be a day when “the dwelling place of God is with people … [when] He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain any more, for the former things [will] have passed away.” (Revelations 21:1 – 4) And that is something worth hoping for.
