The autumn leaves, blazing golden just two weeks ago are being torn apart by the west wind. Exactly the same thing happened in September on the day my husband died. Like a last hurrah, the leaves were glorious that week and then the wind ripped them from their branches. Also, like a last hurrah, my husband’s eyes still lit up when I came in the room. But cancer, like a vicious wind, pulled him from me. The memory still makes me ache. I have a deep faith so I do not grieve as those “without hope,” but I continue to grieve.
The falling of the leaves has given me a gift. Only by falling do they disclose the view of the city, and of the far off, snow covered mountains.
I love the summer, but sometimes the winter of our lives do reveal an unseen gift. I have found that I could carry on, although it is an adjustment I am still working on. The blessings of family and friends helped me heal and sometimes there has been laughter, moments of success and unexpected adventure. There have been disappointments, crises, and upsets but I have weathered them. I miss the support of my husband but know he had faith in me and I promised him at the end “I will be okay”. And I am.
He might be amazed as to what I have done … bought tires for the car and finally learned a little about the stock market. But I still grieve every day … sometimes it is a two-tissue cry but today it took six tissues before I was done.
So the golden leaves of my marriage have flown away but beyond that is a vista of majesty of mountains to see, to climb and to conquer. There is more of life to be experienced, for life is for living and although this isn’t quite what I had planned, it is still good and I am thankful for what was and what is yet to be.
