Back in the summer of 2009 I mentioned, in a blog entry, the negatives of being single within the Christian community. I received several responses, from both sexes, all in agreement with me. I was somewhat taken aback by the number of responses. If, according to the apostle Paul, singleness is the higher calling, why is it so often treated as a form of failure within the Christian community?
In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul writes that if people are able, it is much better to be single than married. However, we are all to live according to our call from God. In this he appears to be echoing Jesus in Matthew 19:10-12, when he states that remaining single is better than marriage followed by divorce. Yet the church today is “focused on the family,” to reference one prominent American ministry. And singles suffer for it.
Think of how radical it was for Jesus and then Paul to speak and write such words. In the context of Jewish society, where everyone is to get married and produce children, there was no place for single women except as widows. Everyone had to do their duty to the community and marry. Yet both Paul and Jesus flip that on its head. To do one’s duty to God and community, it is better to be single as long as one is content to live that way. At some point in our lives, especially for women, many will be single simply due to demographics and life span differences with men. So perhaps it is time for the church to re-examine how singles are viewed and treated within the Christian community.
I can only speak for my own experience. As a single woman who has never been married, I have gone through several phases in my relationship to the church. The first phase, from ages 20 to 35, was a time when I was seen as a marriage-in-waiting. It was obvious I would get married as no one could imagine why I would not and it became clear to me that singleness was not a desirable state, despite what the apostle said. It was expected that I should be looking for a good Christian male. Alas, good, Christian single males are sparse on the ground and, to be blunt, few attracted me. So I passed through my attractive and fertile stage without snagging a mate. That clearly meant I was a failure at the most important achievements of a woman’s life.
Now I am 55 and still contentedly single. It would take someone amazing to persuade me to change my status. But over the years, I have watched my gifts to the church disdained, my voice silenced and ignored, and a subtle contempt now governs many of my Christian relationships. The church is geared towards producing and raising up the next generation of believers. A childless woman, without a man attached to her, really has little place within the church; unless, of course, I would like to teach Sunday school.
I know there is a place for women to engage in ministry within the church but I often find it is married women who fill those spaces. It seems there is something about them being attached to a mate that validates and legitimizes their ministry within a church community. Perhaps it is feared that without the governance, even the very subtle grounding of a male in my life, I am not to be trusted with ministry. Unless, of course, I want to teach Sunday school.
I am an intelligent woman with three Master’s degrees, two of them in theology. I recently finished a PhD focused mainly in the disciplines of environmental and urban history. I teach at colleges and universities where I am respected. I am a published author. And yet, somehow, much of that is discounted when I attempt to speak to issues in the church. It has become too painful to be treated this way. And like some of the singles who wrote me in the blog, I have now, for the most part, left the church. In a world where many people pass through phases of singleness due to divorce, or a partner’s death, or simply due to the vagaries of life, it is just much easier not to try to find a place within the Christian community despite my desire for community. It all makes me wonder what Paul would say about singleness in the church today.
