Ok, I’m not an expert, but as I’ve been listening to what’s going on around me, I can’t help hearing lots of talk about parenting. One friend’s wife just gave birth to a third child. Other friends are trying to get pregnant. Another friend is looking to start trying for a baby, despite concerns about children’s piercing screams (a good reason to be concerned).
I’m not an expert, but I have two wonderful kids (despite their dad) aged 9 and almost 4. I thought I’d share some ideas around what’s working in our home. Here’s the first:
Be consistent
Its first because everything else comes from it. Being consistently consistent is tough for all of us, and still very much a work in progress for me. But, if we’re consistent more often than not, then our kids will never have to wonder how we feel about them, or what kind of behavior is ok, or what the consequences to their actions will be.
The world is a pretty consistent place: if we drop a ball, it falls. If the sun is shining, there’s a risk of sunburn. If there’s snow on the ground, it’s cold outside. Kids, like grown ups, need consistency in order to predict what “y” will be, if “x” happens. When we’re not consistent, we create experiences where the world feels uncertain and kids grow up feeling unsafe.
So, for example, what would it be like if we consistently showed love using whatever language works best for the child. Each child has what Gary Chapman calls love languages that they use to say and hear “I love you.” For my son, its cuddles and play time. For my daughter its hanging out and talking. When we consistently show up and say “I love you” in ways that are meaningful for our kids, we create an experience that assures them of our love, and God’s. Read The Five Love Languages for Kids, by Gary Chapman for ideas on how your child may understand love.
Words and actions also need to be consistent. If I want my kids to be active, but I sit on the couch watching TV all day, I’m sending mixed messages. My words say one thing, and my actions another. I’m working hard on this one.
Along the same idea, only talk about consequences that can be carried out. We’ve all done it, haven’t we? I say that I’m going to turn the car around if the kids don’t stop fighting in the back seat. They don’t, but I continue driving on to our destination. Since turning the car around was never a real consequence, I should never have offered it. Instead, try warning that something will be taken away, like a toy or a snack. Then if the behavior continues, follow through. There may be tears and screaming, but that becomes a good time to suggest earning the toy or snack back. Whatever happens, don’t give into the tears and screaming by giving the toy or snack back. Instead, we’re consistent when we use whatever we took away as a reward for appropriate behavior.
One last example on this – if something is wrong for my kids, then I need to consistently apologize when I do it. We’ve said that throwing a temper tantrum is not ok in our house. But, there have times when I’ve lost my cool and had a good ol’ grown-up version. Its not pretty. I’m not proud of it. At that point, all I could do was be consistent. So, I apologized, admitting that my behavior was not ok. I was wrong, and I promise to do better next time. After some hugs and kisses, my children heard me affirm that appropriate responses apply to everyone, not just kids. It also gives my children a chance to feel the power of forgiving – but more on that gem another time.
We could go on, but the big point here is that our consistency is key to raising confident kids who know they’re loved and so can face whatever the world brings.
What’s working in your home – what’s your top parenting tip?
