While worship has a ritual and a tone, both of which are always under discussion, there is a hidden element we rarely talk about. There is a whole other worship, a personal thing, sometimes completely unattached to the liturgy, often flowing independently of the hymns, prayers and sermon. This other worship for all of us in the pews, each individually, each in their own way, each with different concerns and weights, is a private matter, our personal conversation with God.
Every now and then a line from a hymn, or a prayer or the scripture reading or the sermon intersects with my personal conversation with God. At other times, such a line or a moment from within worship opens up inside of me a wave of calm or peace, and sometimes of anxiety or guilt or worry. Worship in the end is a very private thing, at least for me, and a complete mystery. I’ve walked out of worship sometimes feeling agitated and sometimes energized. Neither is a negative or positive state, it is a moment in my faith journey, part of my dialogue with God.
And I know, I suspect, I hope, that the same is happening to the person sitting beside me, to the others in the church with me. But we rarely talk about this; it is a private matter. So profoundly private that it sometimes arouses in us doubts which we dare not share.
“Worship, I feel, is where we need to come very personally to God, in that space and time, and be open to what He is speaking, and try to understand it and see where you fit into God’s kingdom,” says Allen Stuart, elder at Morningside High Park (where I attend). I interviewed him earlier this year—along with Brian McClure, another elder at the same church—about his faith journey.
Stuart, like McClure, comes from a Bible-reading, church-going family. Stuart grew up Plymouth Brethren, got involved in Presbyterian youth groups, worked at InterVarsity. He describes himself as a small-d denominationalist. And while he struggles in his life (as we all do, with work and other stresses), he is open to talking about many issues, including doubt, that arise from a life of faith. As packed as life may be with contradictions, he has never stopped talking to God.
You can see my interviews with Stuart and McClure online (at pccweb.ca/presbyterianrecord). McClure aims for a ceaseless conversation with God, despite his own concerns and doubts. He constantly seeks to bring his faith into everything he does; a very conscious attempt to not only talk the talk but also walk the walk.
Both these men try to bring that mystery of worship into their lives. By their own admissions, or perhaps because of their own sincere desires, they don’t always succeed. They worry about that; as I think we all do in our own way—that we fall short of the ideal state. And for that we engage in a most profound experience called worship, which is both communal and intensely private.
