Sunday, November 16, 2003, is a very important date in our family’s spiritual journey, as it represents the first Sunday that we worshipped at St. Andrew’s Presbyterian Church in Coldwater, Ont.
What’s so special about that? Well, let me provide you with a bit of background information, and some recent developments, to assist you in your understanding.
I was raised in a relatively small, evangelical Anabaptist denomination—the Brethren in Christ Church—in central Ontario. Michael (my husband) was raised in the Anglican Church in Windsor, Ont. Both of us were active in congregational and denominational activities, ranging from singing in the choir to serving as an altar boy to sitting on denominational and international committees.
As I grew through my teen years, I began to sense that I was different from most of my school and church “buddies,” who were quite interested in girls. For me, there was absolutely no interest; the boys caught my eye a bit more! However, the “try-to-be-good” Christian in me knew that being gay was NOT an option, based on the teaching that I had heard at church on occasion. It hadn’t been drummed into me, but it certainly was clear: good Christian boys dated good Christian girls, got married and had kids—and it had better happen in that order, too!
So, I dated throughout high school and into my university years, but I really was never happy in any of the relationships. I was playing the game that was expected of me, and trying to keep people happy.
In 1980, while working in a treatment home for emotionally disturbed youth, I happened to notice a rather handsome young man who worked in the home beside mine. After a few days of observations, I finally overcame my fear (and stupidity!) and spoke to him about non-work “stuff” and by the end of the conversation, I had actually asked him out on a date. And the rest, as they say, is history.
But that history has been fraught with hills and valleys, most of which a straight couple within the PCC would not have had to endure.
Our application for membership in the PCC was approved by our session, but it was not without dissent. We are forever thankful to the elders who supported us in our quest for a spiritual home, despite our gayness. We are thankful to the faithful members of St. Andrew’s, Coldwater, who stood by us, and with us, through the difficult months of soul-searching that we did as a congregation. The Bible study, the sharing, the praying and the gut-wrenching openness: none of it was easy, but it helped us to grow as a congregation. In the end, some longtime members opted for the exit rather than the pews, and we do miss them. But the decision was ultimately theirs, and I’ve learned to not beat myself up about something over which I had no control. Some dissenters stayed, thinking, I believe, that these gay guys would eventually disappear, and they could have their nice, comfortable church back. Little did they know!
The next obstacle in our way was the baptism of our eldest son. For others who were members in good standing of a PCC congregation, I’m not sure that the issue would have arisen. But for us, it became another obstacle through which we had to battle. Fortunately, the battle was shorter than the membership one, and we were able to celebrate our son’s baptism at our island cottage, with about 125 family members and friends present for the sacrament and an afternoon of celebrating both the baptism and the joys of cottage life.
When our congregation became vacant a few years later, I was nominated to the search committee, and we made it very clear in our congregational profile that we were seeking a minister for a welcoming congregation. We are very fortunate to have been served by two such ministers in the years that we have been affiliated with St. Andrew’s.
With the enactment of the Civil Marriage Act on July 20, 2005, the option of marriage was open to Michael and me. We had several discussions on the subject, but decided that we would prefer to have a church ceremony, and to have it in our home congregation in Coldwater—with those who had become our supportive and loving sisters and brothers in Christ. We were hopeful that eventually, the Presbyterian Church in Canada would allow its ministers to officiate at same-sex marriages for congregants.
Numerous General Assemblies, replete with overtures on the “issue,” combined with numerous General Assemblies at which the idea was not even formally discussed, showed us that the paraphrase of the old hymn “Onward, Christian Soldiers” can be as true of Presbyterians as of other denominations:
Like a mighty tortoise
Moves the church of God.
Christians, we are treading
Where we’ve always trod!
We are much divided.
Many bodies we,
Having different doctrines
But not much charity.
As a commissioner to General Assembly in Vancouver in 2015, I was hopeful that progress would be made, and that we might see a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. While the table groups allowed for thoughtful and prayerful discussion and interaction, I was left with a bad taste in my mouth after some of the petty church politics that appeared to be specifically directed against a member of the LGBT community. It seemed to me that, as a church, our words and our actions were in no way related, and I left General Assembly feeling extremely disappointed and disillusioned. I feel thankful, though, that I was able to connect with several other LGBT commissioners and with allies who served as a support group to each other during the difficult sederunts.
Almost 12 years to the day after our first worship service at St. Andrew’s, Coldwater, Michael and I were united in holy matrimony. Unfortunately, we weren’t able to do this in our home congregation with our minister officiating.
The years of waiting became too much to tolerate, and Michael and our daughter secretly planned a beautiful wedding ceremony for us. A Friday evening proposal by Michael in our hotel lobby in Cancun brought me to tears. My “YES!” allowed the ceremony the following day to proceed. With our three children present, and after phoning my parents to tell them of our plans, we formalized our 35-year love for, and relationship with, each other by exchanging rings and becoming one. The tears that were shed were a combination of tears of joy for our commitment to, and love of, each other, as well as tears of sadness, that our denomination did not see us as worthy of being married.
In the weeks following our wedding, we were able to share the good news with our St. Andrew’s family. We were not, however, permitted by PCC policy to have our marriage blessed by a minister of the Presbyterian Church in Canada. So again, we wait…
The recent decision by the Life and Mission Agency committee to refer the responses to several overtures back to Justice Ministries for further work left me deflated. The light at the end of the tunnel once again got dimmer, and the resolution to the issue of full inclusion moved at least another year further into the future.
So, what now?
That’s a question with which we, as a family, grapple on an all-too-frequent basis. While we love our family at St. Andrew’s, Coldwater, how do we justify remaining part of a denomination that does not see us, or treat us, as equals? How do we remain a part of a denomination that was called to repent of its homophobia in 1994, yet continues to discriminate against capable Christians called to ministry simply because of their sexual orientation? How do we remain a part of a denomination that refused to allow us to recognize our love for each other by being married in one of its churches, with one of its clergy officiating?
Please pray for us as we attempt to discern God’s will for us, just as we continue to pray that the Presbyterian Church in Canada will be able to discern God’s will.
