I grew up in the Pentecostal church in Ottawa, but live in downtown Montreal where I am at school. I tried a few churches but nothing felt homey enough to get me out of bed on a Sunday morning. And then one winter my best friend (who jokingly boasts me as her ‘first Presby convert’) suggested I apply as a youth leader at Briarwood Presbyterian.
I said, yes and after an interview got the job. To me this was a calling, especially since I felt like my credentials were next to nothing. But it felt like this was where God wanted me. And the church itself, the community, is worth the 40 – minute bus ride on a Sunday morning.
Answering why I want to be baptized now has led me to wonder why I didn’t want to before. Why was I so scared? I think the reason I was so uncomfortable was because, with many aspects of life with God, I didn’t want to be or feel vulnerable—before a congregation, let alone before God.
But this has changed. Now it feels right. I feel comfortable in this church and am far more comfortable with God. I am ready to publicly claim my faith and follow Jesus. I am a Christian and I just want to try all the more to follow Jesus. Getting baptized is a sign of my full commitment to God.
I don’t want to admit it, but I often feel like a fake. I’m not baptized, so how I can be a Christian let alone a youth leader is beyond me—literally. Many times I have felt that my prayers or actions have been insincere, that I was just going through the motions hoping for something more. It’s mostly in my head—I know God is using me for His will and that I am precious to Him. So I am thinking that being baptized will be the beginning of a very real and sincere faith. I feel I need to get all squeaky clean before I can truly pick up my own rugged cross and follow Jesus.
My parents split up when I was about eight years old and I decided to live with my father and grandparents. They went to the Pentecostal church down the street where the community was wonderful. A small rural church with loving people whose presence I still remember: Corn roasts, potlucks, Pioneers’ Club, Vacation Bible School and Sunday school. But they insisted I wear a dress; I fought hard, and eventually won the battle to wear jeans.
But somewhere in my adolescent years we stopped going. God was still around but I gave Him very little thought, let alone prayer. And then the best friend arrived. She is the daughter of a Presbyterian minister and throughout high school I would periodically attend church or youth events and retreats with her (with blue hair and ripped jeans and chains on). I was following my mother’s idea of Sunday being a day of rest.
They say 16 is supposed to be the best summer a person has. I spent my summer at Gracefield Camp and Conference Centre. My best friend and others encouraged me to participate in the Leaders in Training program. Gracefield had a campership fund that allowed me to go. God made it possible and I am so thankful. It was the longest time away from home and my first time canoeing or camping and it was amazing. With two great leaders and a diverse group of a dozen youth from all walks of life, the LIT experience was a real stepping – stone in a my faith journey. I was challenged in many discussions. I was in an environment of learning and contemplating and was given so much space to grow spiritually with other people. This is where I began to ‘stay awake’ to God. I couldn’t hide from Him anymore.
Why do I want to be baptized? I want to be part of this family. I want God as my Father and my Mother. I desire and feel I need a Christian community with brothers and sisters and cousins in Christ.
There have been times that I have felt or seen the actions of the Holy Spirit. And I desire this gift that God has promised. I want to grow even stronger in a loving relationship with God. I am slowly letting God into the vulnerable parts of myself and want to know Him more and more intimately.
I cannot sit on a fence anymore. I am a broken and very independent girl who confesses sincerely that I need God. Being able to fully trust in God is still very hard. But I am dependent on God. I am desperate for God and cannot live without Him. I want to offer everything I have and am to Him. So I want to be baptized to follow the commandment of my Saviour Jesus Christ, to show my love for him, to follow him, to serve his people and live my life with him. I am his and he is mine, and this is me offering myself as a living sacrifice to him.
