The Steel Shell of Silence

A suicide is a death and the needs of the surviving family and friends are exactly the same as they are for all deaths: comfort, reassurance, a kind response, hand holding and specific help in doing things that need to be done like connecting with other family members and community resources. Projected personal feelings of shame, discomfort, and isolation are inappropriate when supporting survivors who are dealing with such a loss. Professional groups that deal with survivors need to have open and far-ranging discussions about feelings around suicide and how to respond.

Over two-thirds of all suicides are by men. We live in a society that often refuses to see that men suffer or could be victimized. A man committing suicide forces us to confront the fact that he was suffering in the extreme; he needed help; he was unable to reach out for the help that could have been there for him; he probably experienced a great deal of shame in dealing with personal grief; and he had no way of coping with his unfortunate perception that he couldn’t fix what was wrong and his only option was to face it alone.

In short, since there is an impression in our society that men are supposed to fix things, and they are taught to be strong and in control and have no problems, this death wasn’t supposed to happen. Since it wasn’t supposed to happen, the reality of this death and its consequences don’t fit into our usual customs or our thinking.

It is a normal thing to die. A death by suicide does not preclude the normal need to honour and celebrate the life and memory of a person with an open public funeral or memorial service. Advising the family to have a private funeral only serves to increase their pain, isolation and suffering and does not honour the death of someone they loved and cherished. Members of the community need to be accessible to the family to show their support, care and love.

We have to refuse to define—and remember—someone only by the last few minutes of their lives, ignoring all of their other years of courage, struggle, accomplishments, living and loving.

The healing that is possible for the surviving family and friends can only come when we do our best to balance the death of their loved one in relationship with the accomplishments of the person’s life and their love while they were here with us.

We need to look at the predominance of male suicide particularly as a barometer of how poorly men are doing and how brilliantly they hide their pain and despair with the façade of a smile and the words “good” and “fine.” As individuals, families, communities, organizations and churches, our response for men suffering should be a call to heartfelt compassion. We know what consequences they will face if their isolation and pain is left unattended.

Since Jesus told us that we are to love others, it is the task of men in groups, organizations and churches to call others together in male-only events where they can share the tasks, struggles, friendships and joys of the journey towards an authentic manhood.

If we know that someone is suicidal, we will of course do all that we can to help them through the time and issues that are causing so much pain. We can help them regain insight and control over what is overwhelming them, and help them reach a place of safety, emotional rest and restoration. The chances that this might happen increase with our keen awareness of the suffering that many experience in silence and shame before it reaches a stage of crisis; we should be aware that they are mostly men, that they are unable to reach out, and we should speak for them.

Suicide is irreversible. After the fact, we have no choice and our position must change, but before it happens we have choices. Asking the question, “Are you having any thoughts of suicide?” may be hard for us to say, but the evidence tells us it is even more difficult and costly for those who suffer in such overwhelming pain that they indeed can’t speak or reach out. Asking that question will not make them kill themselves; there is the strong possibility that the question might save their lives by breaking the steel shell of silence that enables the suicide to happen. We have to be willing to speak the words for them that they, drowning in their pain, can’t utter themselves.