People with physical ailments no longer beg by the side of the road. Some may be at home with family and many are in a hospital or care facility. As they lose connections with familiar activities, places and people, feelings of isolation coupled with debilitating illness may affect their wellbeing, self esteem and even their judgement. With the loss of customary sources of happiness, life becomes a search for meaning.
Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is to just listen, respecting what they say, taking their ideas and feelings seriously, trying to understand, and legitimizing their feelings with observations and open questions. “It sounds like you are anxious about that.” “How does that make you feel?” “I can imagine how difficult that is and I would feel the same way.” By being attentive, without trying to fix things, we affirm the person and build trust. We do not make medical judgements. Instead we ask, “What does your doctor say?” We encourage them to talk. “I’m sorry you are having a hard time. Tell me about it.”
This important insight I learned during a training program for lay spiritual caregivers at the Scarborough Hospital, Toronto, led by the staff chaplain, Ajith Varghese.
We remember that people are telling their story and avoid adding our own experiences or opinions. We accept what they tell us, being fully attentive and respecting their perspective. We are patient with their hesitations and pauses. Silence can be valuable. Research shows that only 10 per cent of our communication is verbal; body language and attitude are important indicators of our respect and support.
Sometimes we visit people who are experiencing grief. Grief touches every part of life: emotionally, physically, cognitively, socially, culturally and behaviourally. Recovery requires a healing process. Although we cannot take another’s pain, we can provide love and companionship to support them through the stages of mourning. We do not minimize or interrupt this process; each stage is necessary.
We affirm the need for tears, and may cry with them.
Our visitation has the goal of supporting wellness, a condition that involves the spiritual as much as the physical. It includes an awareness of purpose and meaning in life. We can support someone’s inner being by asking questions such as: “What gives you joy?” “Where do you find satisfaction and meaning in your life?” Remind them that they are highly valued by God who accepts and loves them.
Sometimes a person’s wellbeing is complicated by feelings that interfere with their inner state and may affect connection with others. Some emotions may be seen as unacceptable. Anger, for example, may be suppressed causing the sufferer to live with frustration and tension followed by regret on the occasions when anger is expressed. Sometimes people unconsciously substitute other feelings, such as sadness, for anger and may even cry from frustration and anger without acknowledging the source. This is unhealthy because while we form feelings through our experiences and responses, we also have a lifetime of feelings inside that form us. The challenge is to integrate our lives, not box them into acceptable and unacceptable compartments of feelings.
Shame is a powerful feeling that follows the breaking of a standard, whether religious, social or cultural. It is caused by guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness or disgrace. It is an emotion so strong and painful that the person becomes the feeling. People who feel shame live with that as part of their felt identity. Guilt is related to shame and contributes to shame, but guilt is less encompassing. It is connected to specific behaviours or events; it is what a person has done, rather than who a person is.
As visitors to people who may be feeing guilt or shame, we may be observant and gently ask, “I see that you are not looking at me. Is there something bothering you? Would you like to talk about it?” If they do not speak, we accept their silence and support them by being there. Later, they may talk spontaneously. We can say, “I understand. I feel your pain.” Always encourage them to be integrated and authentic, rather than covering the painful, damaging feelings with expressions of superficial spirituality. “I’m just praising God and everything is fine.” God does not ignore or deny pain, but walks with us through it. This was true for the ancient Hebrews. “You are my God … for to you do I cry all day long” (Psalms 88:2).
In the early church, Paul often spoke about the ever – present grace of the Lord Jesus Christ. People through the centuries have born witness to the presence of God in every situation. This truth is the centre of what we, as visitors, can offer people in pain.
