I have already lived more than half the years I am expected to live according to trusted statistics about the average lifespan of males in Canada. And, as I celebrate yet another birth anniversary this month and the anniversary of my father's death, my thoughts turn, naturally, to the imminent apocalypse. Here, in no particular order, are sure signs the end is nigh:
- Paris Hilton. This is Paris's world, we just live in it. She is the perfect icon of our age: begotten of wealth, she is famous for being famous. Without the benefit of any obvious skill she is a star on television, the internet and magazine and tabloid covers. She has parlayed all this—and much more—from one singular, post-post-modern talent: She has no shame.
- Jen and Brad, Brangelina, Bennifer I, Bennifer II, TomKat and so on. You who have never entered into a conversation about these or other tabloid couplings raise your hand. Unhnh, are you sure? Not even once? Well, you're a better person than the rest of us.
- H5N1; HIV; Ebola; SARS; West Nile; Dengue; Lassa Fever; Norovirus; Norwalk; Polio; SRSV; influenza; etc. You know it's coming. In 1918 more than 20 million people died of the flu worldwide. Currently more than 40 million have AIDS in Africa alone. The estimated death toll for the next decade from this one illness is in the tens of millions; mostly in Africa. Medical professionals no longer say "if" in reference to the next pandemic, but "when."
- Wars and other man-made atrocities. According to Zbigniew Brzezinski, former advisor to presidents John F. Kennedy, Lyndon Johnson and Jimmy Carter, up to 175 million lives were "extinguished by politically motivated carnage" from 1900 to 1993, worldwide. This includes Communist oppression, the two world wars and both civilian and military dead. In the decade-plus since Brzezinski's estimate there has been no discernable decline in this form of politics.
- The simultaneous popularity of The Purpose Driven Life and The Da Vinci Code. Both have sold in eight figures and are the two uncontested bestsellers of the new millennium. One does not cancel the other. Both strike me as signs of spiritual anxiousness. One questions the true motivations of the church and the other provides personally motivated salvation. In either case I don't see an active, relevant church in the future.
- The Apprentice. A dictatorial millionaire recently released from jail for insider trading and a dictatorial, self-aggrandizing billionaire weekly embarrass, then fire, little nobodies who want to be just like them. I can hear the fabric of the universe ripping each time they utter "You're Fired!"
- The Chicago White Sox won the World Series. The year after the other Sox won. Both the Bambino curse and the Black Sox curse are now lifted. Or maybe there never was a curse; maybe it was just coincidental. I'm old school on this: if the Maple Leafs win the Cup I'm taking the first ship off this planet.
- Oscars night. It is bloated, self-important and always at least an hour longer than necessary. It shines a very, very bright light on the most brightly lit star in the zeitgeist. It is the most important award show in the world. And I want one.
- The Olympics. They're bloated, self-important and filled with market driven, inane events. They shine a very, very bright light and yet reveal nothing. They represent the worst hypocrisy — national pride and corporate greed — under the guise of athleticism.
That said, God is in His heavens, children laugh and sing for no reason, love does conquer all, making the blandest meal taste gourmet, red wine is a spiritual experience, friends do make the quality of life and The Third Man will always be a great movie.
(Of course Angelina is hot and so is Brad, so, I'm just saying, it seems right. Of course it was adultery. But they're so hot. Yet, their movie wasn't. Oh well.
Did I mention that children still sing and laugh for no discernable reason and God is in His heavens?)
