Sometimes – and we've all been there – it's very hard to want to work.
Someone else has turned the TV on, or there's a book that's just begging to be read, or maybe it's just tempting to sit and stare at nothing for a while. Surely, we rationalize, we're allowed some down time in our busy lives.
Then again, we're not always lazy when we procrastinate. Personally, I find an upcoming math exam is the best incentive to get my English reading done. Paperwork, similarly, has cleaned many a house. And if you've ever had cause to practice the declension of Latin nouns, you will not be surprised to learn that while my grammar may be shaky sometimes, my research assignments are done weeks in advance. Isn't it so much nicer to talk about what we've accomplished than about what we haven't?
Sometimes, of course, it turns out we've accomplished nothing in a day. But that's all right, because we've worked very hard to ensure that tomorrow will be successful. Our pencils are all perfectly sharpened. Our work area is re-organized. Our notes have been copied out, summarized and highlighted in order of importance. My own reluctance to study Latin and math resurfaced one week in the form of five colours of sticky notes which decorated textbooks in the name of navigational ease. They're actually very useful, but even as I carefully cut and labelled them a voice nagged at my mind: This is not what you should be doing.
So what should I be doing? My mom tells me university is a uniquely selfish time in a person's life, when we get to pick our own courses and keep our own schedule. She says that's a good thing. The voice in my head disagrees. It wants to know how I can take time for pleasure when there's studying to do. Even more than that, it wants to know if my studying is serving anyone but myself. Maybe my forays into academia are only yet another form of procrastination, a way to put off getting a job, taking on responsibilities, doing some good in the world.
I really do want to do some good in the world.
I had hoped that being a Christian would be some help in this situation, but it only seems to complicate matters. In addition to everything my professors require, I have been given the general assignment of loving my neighbour. No word count. No due date. No grading criteria. Just love. How to prioritize? Do I worry about work or the great commission? Believe me, I've tried. And after hours of puzzling, I came up with just one thing: This is not what you should be doing.
And maybe the voice is right this time. It seems reasonable that I shouldn't waste time just to worry about how I spend my time. If I'm going to squander brain power, I might as well use it on math. Who knows – it might even help me do some good someday. Somehow. I'm an optimist. And as such, I'm sure there's some message hidden in this bout of self-examination. Maybe about doing what we can with the time we have.
Which makes me a little ashamed to admit I wrote this to avoid an English essay.
